So, I'm about 98% sure that no one reads this anymore (not that many people ever did), but I feel compelled to write about something that has come up a few times in the past few days. This is another topic about missions, but this time it's a little bit different. I'm not sure exactly how to articulate this subject, so maybe a story will help.
Today I got an update email from someone that I met a Pre-Field Connection (a conference with Pioneers that everyone goes through before going overseas). The email talked about how he recently needed to come back to the States to seek counseling for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which arose from an event in which he was kidnapped and almost killed. I had heard his story before, but as I read his email what struck me was the way that he talked about coming back to the States. He spoke almost apologetically, saying that Pioneers was requiring him to come back, and that he was frustrated about the whole situation. Though I am sure that Pioneers did require him to come back, it saddened me that he felt the need to justify himself. It saddened me, and it reminded me all too much of the way that I would talk when I was a missionary.
For the first time I realized how much I felt pressure to justify my every need while I was working for Pioneers and living off of the support of my friends, family, and church. I thought back on my interactions with other missionaries before going on the field and while I was working in Peru. It was as if there was some strange unspoken standard which we all felt the need to live up to. I felt shame about things that I had no reason to be ashamed of, and I can't count how many times I said things using that same justifying speech. I felt pressure to explain why I was only on the field for a year and a half by adding a tagline about how I planned to come back long term in the future. I spoke apologetically to supporters about legitimate needs out of fear that anything more than a shack in jungle would seem like an "unessential cost." I even felt the need to justify having a long distance relationship by describing my fiance (who was at that time my girlfriend) as being "missions minded," or "having a heart for the unreached."
I don't think I'm alone in the way that I felt. I think there are a lot of people who are serving God while struggling through similar feelings of obligation. In the end I think it comes out of our desire to take things into our own hands. All too often when talking about missions we employ obligatory speech and romanticize things that in actuality are very difficult, instead of educating and leaving it to the Spirit to compel. We judge ourselves and others based on rigid rules that make us dull to the Spirit's whispers. How anyone can look at the ministry of Paul and think that our "time-frames" and "5 year plans" can hold that much weight is beyond me.
In the end I think that we are in the most danger of criticism from ourselves. I pray that we would be able to drop the walls and the pretenses that surround us, and that we could give ourselves (and each other) more grace. It saddens me that my friend felt like he needed to justify seeking his basic needs, and it saddens me even more to know that there are many other missionaries in similar situations.
Perhaps all of this makes very little sense. I often have trouble putting thoughts like this into words. Even so, I hope that it was useful for some good.
If you are reading this, then you are probably the only one, haha, but I would love to hear what you think. Even if you think that I'm an absolute idiot (actually, especially if you think I'm an idiot) I would like to hear your thoughts and to share some opinions about this.
God Bless,
-Jon
Hi Jon,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know I read your blog. I subscribed to it so it would show up in my google feed whenever you posted new things, and lo and behold, your post shows up today! Anyway, I think we could all stand to give more grace to people. I know that there are a lot of people who struggle silently with what they are going through (not just missionaries), and I think it is definitely a tool that the enemy uses to divide and conquer. I am also saddened by your friend's story and also that you felt you had to justify things. I feel like I have times when I have to make it seem like things are ok too, even when they aren't. I think sometimes we are also justifying to ourselves why we are doing it too when we repeat this to others.
I heard some good advice recently - own up to your choices and where you think God is directing you, and be unapologetic about it.
Your post reminded me of another blog I read: http://www.lauraparkerblog.com/
Especially check out this post:
http://www.lauraleighparker.com/2012/12/10-reasons-hard-support-living-home/
She writes a lot about the challenges of being a missionary, stress, finances, etc. You should check out her blog!
I vote for being unapologetically honest and real, and for more grace and encouragement/support - for everyone.
Thanks Kelsey! Glad to have your input, and it's nice to know some people still read this, (though I think this might be my first post since coming back from Peru. I checked out that blog that you posted. It's funny how many people probably have those fears, or how much we all propagate them ourselves. It's something that exists on all levels.
DeleteIt makes me think back to an interaction I had with an associate pastor of a church in Florida who I was working with for a week or so. He was on a short term trip, and I didn't have much to do that week, so I helped his group out. We got to talking and he started telling me about associate pastor jobs that paid $100,000 a year. I told him that seemed a little excessive, and he responded saying, "Well it's really hard work." Though I know that he didn't mean it, the implication to someone who was making less than 10% of that was that his kind of work was more valid. In my mind I immediately started an angry dialogue about how "easy" it must be to live away from your family and friends in a completely different culture since if it was "hard" I should be making 100K a year, but before a word came out I caught myself. I thought about the native missionaries, and the the people who I was serving who probably looked at $7,000 a year the way that I would look at $250,000. That thought shut me up pretty fast, and left me with a lot to think about.
I guess all of that to say that there is definitely a point where things become excessive (on one side or another), but that it's a difficult thing to navigate. I see in myself how much easier it is to want other people to understand me than to make the sacrifices necessary to understand them.
Just some thoughts.
Thanks again for reading!
-Jon
I read your post. I'm guessing I'm not the only one. However, I do agree that as missionaries(or now former), we did feel an unusual obligatory pressure especially with finances and time, but many other areas as well. In actuality, we should realize, no matter if we are in ministry or not, that we do face God's judgement- for what we do and what we believe. However, I agree that we are most critical of ourselves. We judge ourselves so much. We compare ourselves to others, which is one of the hardest things we can do to ourselves... but we continue to compare. Since leaving, I've been able to refocus on what is really important--Christ-- not anyone or anything else or any pressures, stresses, good or bad things.
ReplyDeleteHi Jen,
DeleteI can't quite tell from the tiny picture next to your post if I know you or not. Were we at pre-field together? Either way, thanks for reading and for leaving your thoughts.
It's a strange topic for me, and I almost deleted this post right after writing it, but I decided not to. I guess I was mostly afraid of it coming off as judgmental in some way, when I'm really just trying to talk about a problem that in the end is pretty personal. It's also difficult because though some pressure is bad, we should also have freedom to push one another to pursue God more deeply, or to examine areas of sin in our lives.
What it has mostly come down to for me is what you said at the end about shedding all other things and pursuing Christ alone. Anything that comes in between us and Christ is unhealthy-- even our desire to be useful to God.
The difficulty is that the phrase, "God led me to..." has in some ways become the ultimate cop out for Christians. Regardless if someone is abandoning a commitment that it really seems like they should fulfill, it is impossible to say anything against that phrase. Maybe that is part of the problem. It's just all too common to fall into the temptation to disguise our own desires as God's divine will.
Even though I engaged with God in new ways that were both wonderful and difficult while I was overseas, I can now see how I struggled with putting the mission before the maker.
And now I'm rambling...
That's probably enough for now. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
-Jon
Jon! I'm still subscribed too! I think this need to justify stuff is under the surface of so much of what we do. It makes sense that it comes out when we're receiving financial support from people and in a field like missions especially. I know I felt a version of it while in Detroit on IV staff. Thanks for the thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mike!
DeleteThough I keep forgetting to tell you, I've enjoyed your blog a lot. I think what you wrote about the violence in Connecticut was one of the few Christian perspectives I read that acknowledged the tragedy of the situation without trying to wrap it into a platitude.
Anyways, Thanks for reading!
-Jon