So, I'm about 98% sure that no one reads this anymore (not that many people ever did), but I feel compelled to write about something that has come up a few times in the past few days. This is another topic about missions, but this time it's a little bit different. I'm not sure exactly how to articulate this subject, so maybe a story will help.
Today I got an update email from someone that I met a Pre-Field Connection (a conference with Pioneers that everyone goes through before going overseas). The email talked about how he recently needed to come back to the States to seek counseling for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which arose from an event in which he was kidnapped and almost killed. I had heard his story before, but as I read his email what struck me was the way that he talked about coming back to the States. He spoke almost apologetically, saying that Pioneers was requiring him to come back, and that he was frustrated about the whole situation. Though I am sure that Pioneers did require him to come back, it saddened me that he felt the need to justify himself. It saddened me, and it reminded me all too much of the way that I would talk when I was a missionary.
For the first time I realized how much I felt pressure to justify my every need while I was working for Pioneers and living off of the support of my friends, family, and church. I thought back on my interactions with other missionaries before going on the field and while I was working in Peru. It was as if there was some strange unspoken standard which we all felt the need to live up to. I felt shame about things that I had no reason to be ashamed of, and I can't count how many times I said things using that same justifying speech. I felt pressure to explain why I was only on the field for a year and a half by adding a tagline about how I planned to come back long term in the future. I spoke apologetically to supporters about legitimate needs out of fear that anything more than a shack in jungle would seem like an "unessential cost." I even felt the need to justify having a long distance relationship by describing my fiance (who was at that time my girlfriend) as being "missions minded," or "having a heart for the unreached."
I don't think I'm alone in the way that I felt. I think there are a lot of people who are serving God while struggling through similar feelings of obligation. In the end I think it comes out of our desire to take things into our own hands. All too often when talking about missions we employ obligatory speech and romanticize things that in actuality are very difficult, instead of educating and leaving it to the Spirit to compel. We judge ourselves and others based on rigid rules that make us dull to the Spirit's whispers. How anyone can look at the ministry of Paul and think that our "time-frames" and "5 year plans" can hold that much weight is beyond me.
In the end I think that we are in the most danger of criticism from ourselves. I pray that we would be able to drop the walls and the pretenses that surround us, and that we could give ourselves (and each other) more grace. It saddens me that my friend felt like he needed to justify seeking his basic needs, and it saddens me even more to know that there are many other missionaries in similar situations.
Perhaps all of this makes very little sense. I often have trouble putting thoughts like this into words. Even so, I hope that it was useful for some good.
If you are reading this, then you are probably the only one, haha, but I would love to hear what you think. Even if you think that I'm an absolute idiot (actually, especially if you think I'm an idiot) I would like to hear your thoughts and to share some opinions about this.
God Bless,
-Jon
